Friday, December 31, 2010
It's that time again. The time where people all over the world are deciding that they are going to stop smoking this year, stop drinking, dump their spouse and find someone better, stop cheating on their wife or husband, stop eating so much and start working out. It's the time where people feel so optimistic about their futures. They feel as if they can accomplish any and everything. The global saying is "This year is my year." This excitement lasts for a few weeks or even months. Then reality sets in, we as a people are weak when it comes to following through with most new years resolutions. Don't get me wrong, our intentions are good and genuine. For a while we believe that we're going to do it, finally be a better us. Then reality sets in, how could I live without that cigarette or that drink. No one else will want me so I should just stick with the person I am with. I love my mistress and just can't end it yet. I need my man on the side, he works out the kinks in my life. I can't change the way I eat just yet, and everyone comes in different shapes and sizes. I don't have time to work out. It's just too hard to change right now but I will get there some day. This is the torture we put ourselves through each year because it's somewhat of a national tradition. The reality of it is when you want to change things in your life, you won't need to wait until the new year comes. You will do it right then. You will muster up the willpower from deep within you and really know that today is the day. Today is the day where I put aside all of my fears, laziness, and procrastination and just do it. Today is the 1st day of the rest of my life.
Today is an especially hard day for me. It is New Years Eve, supposed to be my anniversary with my kids father, I am pregnant and down. Holidays are hard for me now because I am used to spending them with him but now he spends them with someone else. I don't hate him for this it just hurts, even more so because I am pregnant and not on any meds. I hate being bipolar/manic depressive. This one thing has been like a festering disease that over time has infected my whole life and one by one starting to kill things off. My bipolar pushed this man into the arms of another, and the shit hurts. What hurts even more is that I allowed myself to get this deep in my depression and craziness, and not see how it was or is affecting the people who love me the most. It's like I've been living with a veil over my eyes for so many years, and when it is finally being lifted I see life as I've never seen it before. I've been walking around in a fog not realizing that I've let this beast take control of my life, and have took a seat in the passengers side and went along for the ride. Then I looked up and said how did I get here? How did I get to the point where all I do is lay in the bed, and don't keep up with my house, and don't really make time for my children. How did I get here where I haven't combed my hair in weeks, barely feel like showering, don't take care of my feet, and walk around looking and feeling like a bum. How did I get to the point that my best friend became food. How did I get to the point where I am so overweight and need to work out and eat right but can't find the courage or strength to get there. I used to love life, be the life of the party, have so much fun. Now my days consist of being depressed. I drove the only man who has ever really seen the real me, and didn't run the opposite way, away. We have broken up many times before over the years but this time is so different. It's the longest we've ever been separated for 1, and for 2 he is living with another woman. This woman says that she is in love with him. She barely knows him. Today is not a good day for me. He said that he is going to come here and spend time with me. We shall see, he said that on Turkey day & X-mas too. My mother & I are not speaking, my best friend is out of town, so it will probably end up being me and the kids. I am grateful that I have them, but adult company would be nice. Oh well it is what it is, the day will be over soon thank God.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
I decided to start a blog because I need somewhere that I can tell my story. Writing out my feelings makes me feel better. I am here for me but if I can help people along the way this is good too. Maybe people can help me out as well. I love to write, am said to have a talent for it. For so many years I have bottled things up, and I am tired of doing that. I need to release all of this crap. I hope to become a better me in the process. A person who is not depressed most of the time, who can handle situations in life without having a meltdown. One who doesn't have a thousand racing thoughts a day, or have highs and lows and feels most of the time like a failure. I have four children and one on the way, due in May. I can't take any meds because of the baby, so of course I am all over the place. I am trying to get out of this depression that I have seemed to be stuck in for a few years. Lately I have been sitting and reflecting on my life, and lack there of. How I have allowed this sickness they vall bipolar/manic depression to suck the life out of me. I sit and wonder how did I get here? Well that is just a little about me. Until next time.