Friday, December 31, 2010

Holiday Blues

Today is an especially hard day for me. It is New Years Eve, supposed to be my anniversary with my kids father, I am pregnant and down. Holidays are hard for me now because I am used to spending them with him but now he spends them with someone else. I don't hate him for this it just hurts, even more so because I am pregnant and not on any meds. I hate being bipolar/manic depressive. This one thing has been like a festering disease that over time has infected my whole life and one by one starting to kill things off. My bipolar pushed this man into the arms of another, and the shit hurts. What hurts even more is that I allowed myself to get this deep in my depression and craziness, and not see how it was or is affecting the people who love me the most. It's like I've been living with a veil over my eyes for so many years, and when it is finally being lifted I see life as I've never seen it before. I've been walking around in a fog not realizing that I've let this beast take control of my life, and have took a seat in the passengers side and went along for the ride. Then I looked up and said how did I get here? How did I get to the point where all I do is lay in the bed, and don't keep up with my house, and don't really make time for my children. How did I get here where I haven't combed my hair in weeks, barely feel like showering, don't take care of my feet, and walk around looking and feeling like a bum. How did I get to the point that my best friend became food. How did I get to the point where I am so overweight and need to work out and eat right but can't find the courage or strength to get there. I used to love life, be the life of the party, have so much fun. Now my days consist of being depressed. I drove the only man who has ever really seen the real me, and didn't run the opposite way, away. We have broken up many times before over the years but this time is so different. It's the longest we've ever been separated for 1, and for 2 he is living with another woman. This woman says that she is in love with him. She barely knows him. Today is not a good day for me. He said that he is going to come here and spend time with me. We shall see, he said that on Turkey day & X-mas too. My mother & I are not speaking, my best friend is out of town, so it will probably end up being me and the kids. I am grateful that I have them, but adult company would be nice. Oh well it is what it is, the day will be over soon thank God.

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