Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Time To Walk Away

When is it really time to walk away?
To know that you can no longer stay.
You can not find the right words to say.
How about I'm leaving you bay.
The longer you stay the harder it becomes.
Not an easy battle to be won.
Someone is bound to get hurt in the long run.
You ask yourself is it going to be me?
Am I the one who is too blinded by love to see.
Wondering if this chapter of your life should forever be closed.
The hard part is what is yet to come only God knows.

Ramblings of a crazy mind

This sharing your man thing is hard. We've been vibing and now he said he had something to do. It's hard to have him here and then know that he is over there. I don't even know what to write, so many thoughts are going through my head. We just talked on the phone and of course I said something smart as I always do. I guess now I f***d up the vibe. What the hell am I supposed to do. I love him but I can't do this much longer. God willing I will be getting a car soon and be able to go out more. At least to my best friends house, the library, the bookstore anywhere but here. Calgon calgon take me away. Away to a place where there is no pain.

I write poetry but haven't wrote anything in a while. Writers block I guess. I would love to write a book but the hardest part is starting it. Really deciding what people want to hear from me. Do they want to hear my crazy life story, or should I make up characters and make it interesting. Can I write a book all about my poetry. Who knows. I have a story that needs to be told and I will tell it. I just have to figure out where to begin. I wanted to be at a better point in my life when I have a book published. I wanted to tell my story but have a happy ending. That would be a good read. Who wants to hear about a crazy bipolar woman who's been through so much shit and then hasn't made something out of herself. Hasn't triumphed over the f***d up hand she was dealt.

My two oldest children are getting on my last nerve. They act like they are younger than almost 12 and 9 years old. Sometimes I feel as if I have four babies or toddlers instead of 2. They act as if they have a lot of responsibilities, when the truth of the matter is they don't have enough. I had 10 times the work they have around the house. What kills me is my son will go to his grandmothers' house and not disrespect her, or get upset when she asks him to do something but with me a different story. I am tired of telling them the same things over and over. If I don't sit there and guide them through stuff step by step it won't get done.

We took all of the kids to the dentist today. That was a trip. For the most part it went surprisingly well. He came along to help me which I am grateful for. My oldest daughter was her usual extra hyper self. She just goes on and on non stop. It drives me nuts. Like the energizer bunny she keeps going and going. The oldest two fight like crazy. I hate it, every second they are arguing about something. Tommorow is a new day, and yeah they will be in school.

I've been like a hermit in my house. I mean when I have to go out I do. It's just that I feel safer inside of my home. No one can look at me and judge me. Sometimes I feel as if people know about the craziness that goes on in my mind and they are laughing at me. Sometimes I think when two people are talking low or whispering they are talking about me. I feel as if people to see right through me and see all the drama that is going on in this mess I call my life. Like the fact that I am pregnant by a man who has someone else pregnant at the same time. I guess I have some serious issues.

I'm grateful for this blog because it's the only outlet I have to talk about the situation that is going on with him. I mean really who am I going to talk to about this dumb shit I am going through. I feel as if I am stuck in a damn crazy reality show. If I wasn't pregnant I think I would just walk away. Sometimes I want to just disappear. I could never take his kids from him, he is a wonderful father to them. Even though he would take them, I could'nt leave them here I need them just as much as they need me. They are my reason for living. The reason why I get out of bed every morning. Well all of my children are my reason for living.
Until next time....

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Snooping Get's You No Where

I was going through his phone records and I found a # and something told me to call it so I did. It was another girl. On top of him messing with the one I previously wrote about he is now talking to some other chick on the phone. I asked him about it and he flipped on me of course for snooping through his shit. I don't know the nature of their relationship but damn how many other woman do you need? I was not enough so he went out and got the girl he's with. Now he is probably bringing someone else in the picture. This makes me feel so low and inadequate. Why am I not enough for anyone. Why when I am with someone and I give them my all is it not enough. Why do they always need someone else. I have been facing rejection my whole life and I am so tired of it.

I have been searching my whole life for someone to love me, all of me flaws and all. I know that that sounds sad. The saying usually goes how can you truly love somebody if you don't love yourself. My feelings are how can I truly love myself if no one else wants to. I am so tired of ending up here. I am sick and tired of feeling like I am not good enough to be loved.

I was doing so good and now I'm back in the same place. Well at least I didn't flip out on him. I for the most part remained calm throughout the argument we had over the phone. Why did I have to even bring it up on the phone. I should of just left it alone. Now he is mad at me again and probably never going to come home. I feel so alone right now. I just want a hug and for someone to tell me that this too shall pass.  

Todays A New Day

Okay well today was a good day. My outlook on life is looking up. He came over early in the morning and we spent all day together. I had such a good time. It felt like old times. We haven't argued in a while and that feels so good. It makes my life go alot smoother. I am so tired of being depressed and this miserable person. I like to feel good and look good. I know that it doesn't just have to be about him. I have my own life and four children to take care of. Well five including my son in my stomach. I am trying to think positive everyday.

I want to build myself up more and not need a man to validate me. I mean what if me and him don't be together. I want to still continue to be this positive person. I don't want my world to crumble if me and him are not vibing. This is what I am used to.

I have been reading this womans blog from beginning to (hopefully) end. I mean I still have a ways to go. She is going through a lot of things that I am. Her situation is worse than mine but she is handling it so well. She has such a positive outlook on life. She went through a struggle getting there. She gives me hope and makes me feel that I can get through this. I just have to stay strong and remember the saying "this too shall pass".

I got a prescription for zoloft from my doctor. He filled it for me and tonight is the first time I will take it. I decided that the good benefits from taking the meds out weigh the possible bad, so I am giving it a try. I know that I am bound to have down days, that's a given. I just don't want most of my days to be down. When I do have those down moments I want to have an outlet (or a few outlets) to release that stress. Like writing this blog, reading a good book, doing homework, or something fun. I was scared to take the meds but I know that I need them and they will help me to remain this positive person. Well I am hoping that they will help because sometimes people have to experiment with different meds to get to the right one. Being pregnant, I really can't afford to experiment but after he is born I will. Hopefully this will at least take the edge off.

I am going to start studying for my ged with this school that let's you do it for home. I have been to college but  never got my ged. They said that I didn't need it because I scored well above average on the entrance exams. Well I want to go back to college after the baby is born and gets about 6 months. I've wanted my ged for so many years but have been scared to go and take it. I have a big fear of rejection and always had in my head that I would fail the test. I even went as far to take half of the test and never went back the next day to take the rest. That sounds really crazy right? Well these are the negative abusive thoughts that I have embedded in my brain. I guess it is time to retrain myself right.

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish. This time around I am going to take it one baby step at a time. When I pile so much on myself and try to accomplish too many things at once I get overwhelmed. Then I fail at everything I attempt because I give up. So my first step is to study for my ged. The next step is to take and pass the ged. Then I will go to sign up for college. I am looking into two programs. I am interested in radiology. This program is hard to get into so my other option is medical billing and coding. My first option is billing and coding but I need to do some more research on this. I don't want to go through 2+ years of school and then be unable to get a job in that field. This would be a waste of time and money. I have heard that it is hard to get a job in this field. I like this option because you can eventually work from home doing this. I need to find the right person to talk to about this before I make my decision. I have plenty of time for this.

I am very grateful today for my life in it's entirety. Without the flaws or bad things, how would I learn and grow. Well I want to read some of the ladies blog and do some other research. Until next time......

Saturday, January 22, 2011


I know that it's been a while since I've wrote anything. I have just been taking care of my children and trying not to be stressed or allow the things that are happening in my life to get me down. Well last night his girl called me crying all hysterical talking about they got into it and he packed up his clothes and is probably headed to my house. Part of me felt sorry for her but then most of me was happy and thinking that he was finally coming home. Well this was not the case. They did have a big blow out in which she lied on me and said that I have been calling her and leaving messages on her phone. First she said that the number is blocked so she is thinking it's me. Then she changed it and said that my number shows. She then went on to say that I left messages on her phone. So I asked her to let him hear them because he knows my voice. Of course she said that she erased them, which made her look very suspect. If I am so called calling your phone and leaving messages and want to prove to this him, then no woman in her right mind would erase them. Would'nt she want the proof that I have been harrassing her. I guess they really got into it because he asked her to see the proof and she could'nt produce it. So he said to her that he has known me for five years and he knows what I would do, and play on someones phone is not it. She also could've lied better and said that I called her at night or in the middle of the night. No this stupid girl said that I call her during the day which is when I am with him. That is so stupid. While he is here I am tending to him and my children and spending time with them. Why the hell would I be calling her. We both know that she knows he is here during the day, so what would be the point. I think that she did all of that because she can feel him slipping away, or us getting closer and she wanted to throw salt in the game. I'm not over here trashing her or making up shit. I am bettering myself and getting back to be the person that he fell in love with. Meaning I am getting out of my couple year depression and enjoying life more. I'm not arguing with him or going crazy like I usually have done in the past. I am just going with the flow and doing me. She told me before that she felt a change in him and she can probably feel it now. I don't really feel bad for her though. She should'nt have messed with him knowing that he had'nt closed the door with me yet. How can he fully give himself to her if his heart is here with me. Don't get me wrong I have not suddenly become delusional. I know that there is no gurantee that he will come back home. When I feel as if I have had enough, I will walk away. He knows this situation is temporary. I guess it will be time to walk when I feel as if I have changed enough and showed him over time that things will not be the same as before. I know that he loves me and part him wants to be here. Eventually he is going to have to make a decision or I will walk. We will always be parents and I hope friends.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Better Day

Okay so today I woke up with a new attitude and outlook on life. Instead of consuming my thoughts with him and wondering what he's doing with her I am concentrating on me. This situation is a bit bizzar but as it stands I am still in love with this man. I am going to stay with him even though he is with her. Some people may say this is crazy but I have my reasons. It is my fault (or bipolars fault) that he is over there with her in the first place. He still gives me what I need and I am satisfied all around the board. I know that this situation can not last forever but for now I can't change what has happened and can either stay or walk away. My heart won't let me walk away yet. I have been with this man for five years and he has endured more than any one has. He has seen my bipolar rear it's ugly head time and time again and he is still here. He may have moved out but he is still here. I am going on Thursday for my check-up and am requesting a perscription of zoloft. I think that a low dose should be good enough. I just hope that the baby doesn't have any issues because of it. I can't take the depression any longer. All things considered it is the best thing for me and the baby at this time. When my depression gets bad I am close to not wanting to live anymore. I lash out at him and don't want to push him away any more than I have. He is my rock right now. With no family to depend on, and just one friend he is all I have. If I don't get this illness under control I think that he is going to have to leave me alone and just deal with his kids. That would hurt alot seeing as how he is the only person I have right now. Also I don't like to be crying every single day in front of my children. I think that it is really getting to my oldest two. They are tired of seeing their mother, the one who is supposed to be leader them, crying all day long.
On another note, I have wanted to write a book for a long time. I think that now is the time. I just have to figure out where to start and then I am hoping that it will flow from there. I can't wait to have this baby so I can get on a mood stabilizer and some anxiety medicine. Sometimes these kids drive me crazy like right now. I am ready to pull my hair out but that's kids right? Until next time.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Finally my children are home and I am so happy. I missed them so much for the couple of days they were with their dad. Even though they drive me nuts sometimes I don't like it when they are gone. I am starting to feel depression coming on and I don't like being that way around my kids. I made a list last night of things that I can do when I start to feel this way about my situation. One of them is this blog of course. I know that I can make it on my own. The process of getting there is hard. I think that it would be best if I just cut ties with him because he lies to me so much and I don't know what his motives are and that is scary. Here I go talking about him and I didn't want to do that. Well my little baby boy (well he's 1 but he's still my baby is crawling all over me so I will go now and show him some love. I will write some more later. Until next time.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

On With The Bull****!

Okay so the other night I spoke on the phone to him. We made up and everything was good. He accidently called me back and didn't know it. So me being the woman I am and wanting to hear what they talk about stayed on the phone. So she's asking him how does he feel about her, and is the plans for them to get married still on. And damn I thought that I was in a bad nightmare because they just starting dating, and we just broke up 4 months ago. He said yes everything is still on. She then started to talk about her being pregnant and how she doesn't know if she is going to keep the baby because she could die if she does. Then it was like someone had ripped my chest open and yanked out my heart. He said that he wouldn't be mad at her if she didn't want to keep it because of health problems, but he would be there either way. This shit happened so fast it was crazy. Then she started to talk about me asking him were me and him having sex and he said no he just comes over my house to visit his kids and sits in the living room which is a damn lie. We are still sleeping together and I told her this. Needless to say there was a big blowout. Why he couldn't tell me all of this bullshit  his self is beyond me. She came to my house so we could meet and we talked for a while. He came over here bugging cause we was talking. I asked him point blank what he wants to do. Does he want to be with this girl and for me to walk away. She was standing right there and instead of answering the question he went around it. I feel like such a damn fool for allowing myself to be pregnant with his third baby. He lies to me and he lies to her. I am just wondering what the hell is the truth. He says that he is not marrying her. He is just telling her what she wants to hear. She is pregnant though which is f*** up because so am I. I don't think that is something he planned but yet and still it happened. That shit hurts. What hurts also is that he is not being straight up with either one of us. He still wants to be with me but he is with her. We both think that he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I feel that he still loves me and doesn't want to mess things up with her and come home and then I go back to the crazy bipolar lady that I am known to be. I ask him over and over again to tell me he wants to be with her and for me to walk away. He says that he doesn't want me to walk away. He loves me and wants to be with me too. What the hell am I doing? He said there is a possibilty that he will come back home. The shit is crazy and confusing. Now what if we are in this situation a few months from now and he decides that he wants to be with her and tells me to beat it? Then that's further and deeper shit that I've gotten myself into. I wish for once I could know what the future held so that I would'nt have to go through extra pain for nothing. If he really is trying to marry this girl then what the hell is he keeping me around for. I hate this shit, sometimes I wish I never met him. But then I would'nt have my two babies and one on the way and they are a blessing. He has helped me out over the years but for it to end up like this. Then it's even harder to move on because he is over here everyday. How do you move on from a person who you have to see everyday. If we totally stop messing with each other then that is something that has to change. It's just going to be so hard because I don't want to disrupt my kids life anymore than it is already and that is what they are used to. I have so much on my plate right now I am so damn lost. I don't know how I am making it. Sometimes I just want to end it all but I could'nt do that to my children. Oh and I've decided to get back on a low dose of medication. Hopefully that will help because without it I am like a walking time bomb reading to blow any minute. Until next time.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


I am on the brink of insanity at the moment and I don't know how to pull myself out. I have these moments so often and I don't know how to stop them. I say things and do things that that are outrageous and sometimes mean and then when it is all over with I feel like a stupid idiot. I just text his girlfriend, whore whatever she is. A whore is a woman who knows that a man is with someone but still messes with him anyways right? She said that she didn't know but that is such bull. I found her number in his phone and called her and told her myself and she lied to me and said she was inquiring about an apartment he had for rent. Then she left a message on his voicemail a short time later and I called her again and she said that she is gay and all they do is drink together and chill. All a bunch of bull crap. Then when I spoke with her more recently she will still to this day say that she didn't know that he had a woman until she had already fallen in love with him. The first time we spoke they had just met so unless it was love at first sight then she is full of crap. After all of that I put him out and she of course let him move in with her. Mind you she doesn't know this man from a hole in the wall and has him around her 3 children stupid is what you call it. She is so in love, she barely knows him. It's been what 4 months, he has already lied to her about so many different things who can count anymore but this is the man you are so in love with. Bitch please give me a break. This is the first man you could find that could fuck good and would move into your house with your 3 kids cause where else was he gonna go. His family don't live up here and he doesn't want to be far away from his children. Okay so back to me texting her. I text her and told her that I hope she is ready for my 2 year old and 1 year old to come and stay with them for a while because that is what is coming soon. He already knew that if we broke up he would be taking them to live with him. Now can I go through with this who knows probably not. It's not that I don't think that they would safe. That is without a doubt not an issue. He would never let anyone harm them he is the best father I have ever seen. Can I be away from them and only see them every few days that is the ? He has been thrown out alot in the past but he never stayed this long. He always asked me to come home and I let him. Now his ass is stuck up her butt and mentioned coming home once but it never happened. Why should they get to live all happy and shit while I am pregnant and raising his two babies? He knew when we met that I didn't want more children because I didn't want to be a single parent. But where do I sit right now, on the single parent panel. Yes he sees them everyday but I still consider myself a single parent. I know I should be grateful that he's in their lives because I have read some horror stories on the internet but I can't see past my pain. My freekin hormones are raging like a bull from the pregnancy and being bipolar one minute I'm ok the next I want to slap somebody get revenge get even be loved I can not wait until I can get back on some type of medication because this is the worst feeling ever. It is like everything is hitting me at once. Pregnant bam alone wham just seperated from the love of my life smack have to raise all these kids punch he's with someone else kick and all of this being bipolar. Somebody help me before I go over the edge

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Just Venting

Well I'm back again and depressed. He said that he wants to be by himself so that he doesn't have to go through all of this love shit because love hurts. You got that right love does fucking hurt. It hurts hard and it hurts deep. I know that I need to move on and put a close on this chapter of my life. The further and deeper I get into this shit,  the more I am going to get hurt. I feel as if somebody has just punched me in my gut and then stepped on me. After all of these years, all of this turmoil, all of this pain and blood sweat and tears and I am now a single mother of five children. I mean he is still going to be in their lives and help me with them but it is not the same. One of my fears of having children was that they would be brought up in a broken home with me but no daddy living there. And here I sit twenty eight years old, with an 11(almost 12 yr. old), and 8 yr. old, a 2 yr. old, a 1 yr. old, and one on the way(God willing), a single parent. No ring on my finger, no man, no boyfriend, just me. This is my new reality and I just need to get used to it. How do you get used to it? I know that in time I will be alright, I will move on and be alright. For now I can't see past my pain. I can't wait for the day where I am able to look back and reflect on this as a lesson learned and smile. There have been many situations in my life where at the time I thought that I could never get over whatever tragedy happened to me. In time I moved on and got better and I healed. You always get over the things that happen in time. I am so looking forward to that time. Until next time.

Weekend Mornings

Most people look forward to the weekend. This is a time where they say yeah to not having to get up so early and do the busy work week thing. I used to be one of these people. Now I dread when Friday comes because I know that on Saturday morning I have to get up to myself. Grant it my kids are here but I mean he is not. This is the same on weekdays but within a half hour of me getting up he is here so it makes it easier on me. This is one of the hardest parts because I am used to waking up next to him for 5 years. On the weekend he doesn't come as early and sometimes we don't spend as much time together. I miss that. I miss waking up to making love to him and making breakfast. Now he is probably doing that with her and the shit hurts. What am I to do about it? I really can't control it and that is what hurts the most. Also the fact that we are still in limbo. It is not officially over but we are not officially back together either. I am waiting for the day for him to say I am coming home or I am going to try to make it work with her. I'm scared of the outcome but looking forward to the day because  then we can either move on together or I can move on by myself. Well I am going to throw myself into cleaning my house and interacting with my children today. Doing this does help me most of the time but the thoughts don't leave. Until next time....

Weekend Mornings

Most people look forward to the weekend. This is a time where they say yeah to not having to get up so early and do the busy work week thing. I used to be one of these people. Now I dread when Friday comes because I know that on Saturday morning I have to get up to myself. Grant my kids are here but I mean he is not. This is the same on weekdays but within a half hour of me getting up he is here so it makes it easier on me. This is one of the hardest parts because I am used to waking up next to him for 5 years. On the weekend he doesn't come as early and sometimes we don't spend as much time together. I miss that. I miss waking up to making love to him and making breakfast. Now he is probably doing that with her and the shit hurts. What am I to do about it? I really can't control it and that is what hurts the most. Also the fact that we are still in limbo. It is not officially over but we are not officially back together either. I am waiting for the day for him to say I am coming home or I am going to try to make it work with her. I'm scared of the outcome but looking forward to the day because  then we can either move on together or I can move on by myself. Well I am going to throw myself into cleaning my house and interacting with my children today. Doing this does help me most of the time but the thoughts don't leave. Until next time....

Friday, January 7, 2011

Eyes Being Opened

Today I have done a lot of reflecting on my life. It seems as if this New Year is going to bring on a new and improved me. I guess after so many years of being depressed and allowing my illness to overpower me, it may be time to try something new. No scratch that. It is definitely time to try something new. How do I expect to be a better person and enjoy life if I am not changing my way of life. This first starts with changing my thought pattern. For years I have been telling myself negative things and been stuck in some type of self-pity party. If you have nothing but negative things to say to yourself then how are you supposed to progress in life? This is something that I am just starting to realize. So even though it isn't easy and is an every day struggle, I am learning positive things to say to myself. Hopefully over time I will be able to push all those negative thoughts I continuously tell myself and replace them with good thoughts. Now I realize that this is going to take some time because my brain has to be retrained. I am also starting to be grateful for the people and things that I have in my life. This is opposed to continuously feeling sorry for myself and feeling as if I am missing something. Everyone is dealt a certain hand in life, and there are a lot of people who have had it worse than me. This is not to say that I should be happy about others misfortunes. It does mean that I should be grateful that it didn't happen to me. For example: my mother was a drug addict most of my life and she gave me up when I was a child. For years I hated her and felt sorry for myself that she abandoned me. Now I am grateful that she did give me up because I was better off. What about the people who had to endure all that comes with having a drug addict for a mother and had to see the street life up close. I was saved from that and today I can actually say that I am very grateful. Another thing I have been realizing is how truly beautiful and wonderful my children are. I mean don't get me wrong of course this is something I already knew but now   it's more clear to me. It's like a fog has been lifted and now I can see everything I could not before. For years I felt that having children at a young age somehow left me feeling short changed, like I was missing out on something. I had my oldest when I was 16 years old. Prior to that I helped take care of my younger cousins because of their mom being on drugs. I had a rough childhood in and out of group homes and was forced before my time to become a responsible young adult. So at times I would feel as if I was never able to be a child and then I had a child. I am 28 years old with 4 children and one on the way(God willing). For a while I thought that this was more of a burden than anything else. The truth of the matter is God blessed me with these children for a reason. There are so many deserving woman out there who want to have children but can't. So who am I to take them for granted. How dare I stay stuck in my own depression and not be grateful for what I have been blessed with. Ever since I could remember I wanted a lot of children. Being an only child was and still is hard. I never wanted my children to feel the loneliness that I felt and still feel without a brother or sister. My family is not close so I also wanted to have a lot of children so that they would have each other. They are each others family. Also a lot of people have came and left out of my life. My children are my children, they are my family, they will always be here (God Willing). Today is about being grateful for what God has blessed me with. Until next time.....

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Okay so me and bd(stands for babies daddy) have been spending alot of time together. It's a good thing but also   bad. There's a chance that we may not get back together and the more time I spend with him the closer I get. They deeper I am falling in love, and the stupider(is that even a word) I feel for taking this man for granted. Now my chance may be gone and it bothers me that there is not much that I can do about that. Then I feel as if I am obsessing about him and this girl, and the whole situation. I know that this is not healthy but it is hard to block the thoughts that come into my head. To make matters worse I can feel the baby moving now and every time the baby moves it reminds me of the situation. It also reminds me of the fact that I may in fact end up being the mother of five children and single. I mean he is a great father and I don't feel as if he would abandon me, but I mean we won't be together. Oh I wish that I could just shut my brain off for a little while, only if life were that simple. It would be easier if I knew what the future held. It's the limbo, in between period, that is killing me. Such is life.
On another note my son got suspended from school today for refusing to complete his work, yes his school is very strict. Well he was sent home today and then I have to go in for a conference before he can return. This boy is going on 12 years old and is driving me nuts. Everyone says that it is a phase. I know one thing he makes me want to pull my hair out mostly every day. He is my oldest so this is the first time I've raised a pre-teen. I thought teenagers were bad and his grandmother says it gets worse before it gets better. Well thanks for the update. Life is overwhelming at this point, especially because I don't want to take meds and hurt the baby. So my medicine is this blog now and also cleaning. I am trying to find things that will help me get through the tough times because I am so tired of crying. I also don't want to go back into that depression again and be stuck in the bed and a total mess. Well until next time.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Thank God vacation is over

I am so elated that this vacation is over and my kids will be returning to school in the a.m. They have really been driving me nuts. It will be me and the babies and that is o.k. with me, even though they can be a handful. This vacation seems as if it has lasted longer than it really was. All I have to say is yeah for school. Today was an o.k. day. I want to get to the point where I don't feel so lonely when he is not here. I want to get to the point where I am o.k. with being just with me. I mean I am starting to enjoy being by myself more and getting to know me, because I've been depressed so long and have lost me in the process. So now I am trying to reconnect with me but it is hard because of the bd situation. It is hard because I am pregnant, lonely, and we broke up recently so it makes it harder. I am trying to stay busy doing things around my house and trying not to think about the whole situation. But as I am doing the things, him and the situation come into my mind. Oh well they say time heals all wounds right? Well that's all for now.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

It's A New Year

Well I made it through this holiday. He came over last night and spent the night with me and the kids. We reconnected like the old days before all of the craziness started. I definitely had a wonderful night. I miss him so much and wish he would move back home but I can't control that. I should have treated him the way he deserved to be treated instead of taking him for granted. Now it may be too late. I guess I need to focus on the positive side of this. At least he is still around, taking care of his children plus me. We see him everyday and alot of woman don't have that. So today it is about focusing on the positive instead of always pondering on the negative. Only time will tell, who knows what the future holds right? I mean at least he didn't completely cut me off and he isn't saying no. I think that he just wants to see if the new me that has been around for the past couple of weeks is here to stay. Or if I am going to go back to the same old depressed, miserable woman. Well I hope and pray that I don't return to that same person because like everyone else I don't like her. I just need to go with the flow and let what is supposed to happen, happen. That is something that has been hard for me all of these years. It is difficult for me to just go with the flow because I have a fear of the unknown. I don't like to not know what is going to happen. I guess it is kind of a control thing. I have issues with trying to control everything and everyone. That is one of my character flaws. Something else to work on, I guess I will have to add it to the list of things I need to work on.