Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Time To Walk Away

When is it really time to walk away?
To know that you can no longer stay.
You can not find the right words to say.
How about I'm leaving you bay.
The longer you stay the harder it becomes.
Not an easy battle to be won.
Someone is bound to get hurt in the long run.
You ask yourself is it going to be me?
Am I the one who is too blinded by love to see.
Wondering if this chapter of your life should forever be closed.
The hard part is what is yet to come only God knows.

Ramblings of a crazy mind

This sharing your man thing is hard. We've been vibing and now he said he had something to do. It's hard to have him here and then know that he is over there. I don't even know what to write, so many thoughts are going through my head. We just talked on the phone and of course I said something smart as I always do. I guess now I f***d up the vibe. What the hell am I supposed to do. I love him but I can't do this much longer. God willing I will be getting a car soon and be able to go out more. At least to my best friends house, the library, the bookstore anywhere but here. Calgon calgon take me away. Away to a place where there is no pain.

I write poetry but haven't wrote anything in a while. Writers block I guess. I would love to write a book but the hardest part is starting it. Really deciding what people want to hear from me. Do they want to hear my crazy life story, or should I make up characters and make it interesting. Can I write a book all about my poetry. Who knows. I have a story that needs to be told and I will tell it. I just have to figure out where to begin. I wanted to be at a better point in my life when I have a book published. I wanted to tell my story but have a happy ending. That would be a good read. Who wants to hear about a crazy bipolar woman who's been through so much shit and then hasn't made something out of herself. Hasn't triumphed over the f***d up hand she was dealt.

My two oldest children are getting on my last nerve. They act like they are younger than almost 12 and 9 years old. Sometimes I feel as if I have four babies or toddlers instead of 2. They act as if they have a lot of responsibilities, when the truth of the matter is they don't have enough. I had 10 times the work they have around the house. What kills me is my son will go to his grandmothers' house and not disrespect her, or get upset when she asks him to do something but with me a different story. I am tired of telling them the same things over and over. If I don't sit there and guide them through stuff step by step it won't get done.

We took all of the kids to the dentist today. That was a trip. For the most part it went surprisingly well. He came along to help me which I am grateful for. My oldest daughter was her usual extra hyper self. She just goes on and on non stop. It drives me nuts. Like the energizer bunny she keeps going and going. The oldest two fight like crazy. I hate it, every second they are arguing about something. Tommorow is a new day, and yeah they will be in school.

I've been like a hermit in my house. I mean when I have to go out I do. It's just that I feel safer inside of my home. No one can look at me and judge me. Sometimes I feel as if people know about the craziness that goes on in my mind and they are laughing at me. Sometimes I think when two people are talking low or whispering they are talking about me. I feel as if people to see right through me and see all the drama that is going on in this mess I call my life. Like the fact that I am pregnant by a man who has someone else pregnant at the same time. I guess I have some serious issues.

I'm grateful for this blog because it's the only outlet I have to talk about the situation that is going on with him. I mean really who am I going to talk to about this dumb shit I am going through. I feel as if I am stuck in a damn crazy reality show. If I wasn't pregnant I think I would just walk away. Sometimes I want to just disappear. I could never take his kids from him, he is a wonderful father to them. Even though he would take them, I could'nt leave them here I need them just as much as they need me. They are my reason for living. The reason why I get out of bed every morning. Well all of my children are my reason for living.
Until next time....

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Snooping Get's You No Where

I was going through his phone records and I found a # and something told me to call it so I did. It was another girl. On top of him messing with the one I previously wrote about he is now talking to some other chick on the phone. I asked him about it and he flipped on me of course for snooping through his shit. I don't know the nature of their relationship but damn how many other woman do you need? I was not enough so he went out and got the girl he's with. Now he is probably bringing someone else in the picture. This makes me feel so low and inadequate. Why am I not enough for anyone. Why when I am with someone and I give them my all is it not enough. Why do they always need someone else. I have been facing rejection my whole life and I am so tired of it.

I have been searching my whole life for someone to love me, all of me flaws and all. I know that that sounds sad. The saying usually goes how can you truly love somebody if you don't love yourself. My feelings are how can I truly love myself if no one else wants to. I am so tired of ending up here. I am sick and tired of feeling like I am not good enough to be loved.

I was doing so good and now I'm back in the same place. Well at least I didn't flip out on him. I for the most part remained calm throughout the argument we had over the phone. Why did I have to even bring it up on the phone. I should of just left it alone. Now he is mad at me again and probably never going to come home. I feel so alone right now. I just want a hug and for someone to tell me that this too shall pass.  

Todays A New Day

Okay well today was a good day. My outlook on life is looking up. He came over early in the morning and we spent all day together. I had such a good time. It felt like old times. We haven't argued in a while and that feels so good. It makes my life go alot smoother. I am so tired of being depressed and this miserable person. I like to feel good and look good. I know that it doesn't just have to be about him. I have my own life and four children to take care of. Well five including my son in my stomach. I am trying to think positive everyday.

I want to build myself up more and not need a man to validate me. I mean what if me and him don't be together. I want to still continue to be this positive person. I don't want my world to crumble if me and him are not vibing. This is what I am used to.

I have been reading this womans blog from beginning to (hopefully) end. I mean I still have a ways to go. She is going through a lot of things that I am. Her situation is worse than mine but she is handling it so well. She has such a positive outlook on life. She went through a struggle getting there. She gives me hope and makes me feel that I can get through this. I just have to stay strong and remember the saying "this too shall pass".

I got a prescription for zoloft from my doctor. He filled it for me and tonight is the first time I will take it. I decided that the good benefits from taking the meds out weigh the possible bad, so I am giving it a try. I know that I am bound to have down days, that's a given. I just don't want most of my days to be down. When I do have those down moments I want to have an outlet (or a few outlets) to release that stress. Like writing this blog, reading a good book, doing homework, or something fun. I was scared to take the meds but I know that I need them and they will help me to remain this positive person. Well I am hoping that they will help because sometimes people have to experiment with different meds to get to the right one. Being pregnant, I really can't afford to experiment but after he is born I will. Hopefully this will at least take the edge off.

I am going to start studying for my ged with this school that let's you do it for home. I have been to college but  never got my ged. They said that I didn't need it because I scored well above average on the entrance exams. Well I want to go back to college after the baby is born and gets about 6 months. I've wanted my ged for so many years but have been scared to go and take it. I have a big fear of rejection and always had in my head that I would fail the test. I even went as far to take half of the test and never went back the next day to take the rest. That sounds really crazy right? Well these are the negative abusive thoughts that I have embedded in my brain. I guess it is time to retrain myself right.

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish. This time around I am going to take it one baby step at a time. When I pile so much on myself and try to accomplish too many things at once I get overwhelmed. Then I fail at everything I attempt because I give up. So my first step is to study for my ged. The next step is to take and pass the ged. Then I will go to sign up for college. I am looking into two programs. I am interested in radiology. This program is hard to get into so my other option is medical billing and coding. My first option is billing and coding but I need to do some more research on this. I don't want to go through 2+ years of school and then be unable to get a job in that field. This would be a waste of time and money. I have heard that it is hard to get a job in this field. I like this option because you can eventually work from home doing this. I need to find the right person to talk to about this before I make my decision. I have plenty of time for this.

I am very grateful today for my life in it's entirety. Without the flaws or bad things, how would I learn and grow. Well I want to read some of the ladies blog and do some other research. Until next time......

Saturday, January 22, 2011


I know that it's been a while since I've wrote anything. I have just been taking care of my children and trying not to be stressed or allow the things that are happening in my life to get me down. Well last night his girl called me crying all hysterical talking about they got into it and he packed up his clothes and is probably headed to my house. Part of me felt sorry for her but then most of me was happy and thinking that he was finally coming home. Well this was not the case. They did have a big blow out in which she lied on me and said that I have been calling her and leaving messages on her phone. First she said that the number is blocked so she is thinking it's me. Then she changed it and said that my number shows. She then went on to say that I left messages on her phone. So I asked her to let him hear them because he knows my voice. Of course she said that she erased them, which made her look very suspect. If I am so called calling your phone and leaving messages and want to prove to this him, then no woman in her right mind would erase them. Would'nt she want the proof that I have been harrassing her. I guess they really got into it because he asked her to see the proof and she could'nt produce it. So he said to her that he has known me for five years and he knows what I would do, and play on someones phone is not it. She also could've lied better and said that I called her at night or in the middle of the night. No this stupid girl said that I call her during the day which is when I am with him. That is so stupid. While he is here I am tending to him and my children and spending time with them. Why the hell would I be calling her. We both know that she knows he is here during the day, so what would be the point. I think that she did all of that because she can feel him slipping away, or us getting closer and she wanted to throw salt in the game. I'm not over here trashing her or making up shit. I am bettering myself and getting back to be the person that he fell in love with. Meaning I am getting out of my couple year depression and enjoying life more. I'm not arguing with him or going crazy like I usually have done in the past. I am just going with the flow and doing me. She told me before that she felt a change in him and she can probably feel it now. I don't really feel bad for her though. She should'nt have messed with him knowing that he had'nt closed the door with me yet. How can he fully give himself to her if his heart is here with me. Don't get me wrong I have not suddenly become delusional. I know that there is no gurantee that he will come back home. When I feel as if I have had enough, I will walk away. He knows this situation is temporary. I guess it will be time to walk when I feel as if I have changed enough and showed him over time that things will not be the same as before. I know that he loves me and part him wants to be here. Eventually he is going to have to make a decision or I will walk. We will always be parents and I hope friends.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Better Day

Okay so today I woke up with a new attitude and outlook on life. Instead of consuming my thoughts with him and wondering what he's doing with her I am concentrating on me. This situation is a bit bizzar but as it stands I am still in love with this man. I am going to stay with him even though he is with her. Some people may say this is crazy but I have my reasons. It is my fault (or bipolars fault) that he is over there with her in the first place. He still gives me what I need and I am satisfied all around the board. I know that this situation can not last forever but for now I can't change what has happened and can either stay or walk away. My heart won't let me walk away yet. I have been with this man for five years and he has endured more than any one has. He has seen my bipolar rear it's ugly head time and time again and he is still here. He may have moved out but he is still here. I am going on Thursday for my check-up and am requesting a perscription of zoloft. I think that a low dose should be good enough. I just hope that the baby doesn't have any issues because of it. I can't take the depression any longer. All things considered it is the best thing for me and the baby at this time. When my depression gets bad I am close to not wanting to live anymore. I lash out at him and don't want to push him away any more than I have. He is my rock right now. With no family to depend on, and just one friend he is all I have. If I don't get this illness under control I think that he is going to have to leave me alone and just deal with his kids. That would hurt alot seeing as how he is the only person I have right now. Also I don't like to be crying every single day in front of my children. I think that it is really getting to my oldest two. They are tired of seeing their mother, the one who is supposed to be leader them, crying all day long.
On another note, I have wanted to write a book for a long time. I think that now is the time. I just have to figure out where to start and then I am hoping that it will flow from there. I can't wait to have this baby so I can get on a mood stabilizer and some anxiety medicine. Sometimes these kids drive me crazy like right now. I am ready to pull my hair out but that's kids right? Until next time.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Finally my children are home and I am so happy. I missed them so much for the couple of days they were with their dad. Even though they drive me nuts sometimes I don't like it when they are gone. I am starting to feel depression coming on and I don't like being that way around my kids. I made a list last night of things that I can do when I start to feel this way about my situation. One of them is this blog of course. I know that I can make it on my own. The process of getting there is hard. I think that it would be best if I just cut ties with him because he lies to me so much and I don't know what his motives are and that is scary. Here I go talking about him and I didn't want to do that. Well my little baby boy (well he's 1 but he's still my baby is crawling all over me so I will go now and show him some love. I will write some more later. Until next time.