This sharing your man thing is hard. We've been vibing and now he said he had something to do. It's hard to have him here and then know that he is over there. I don't even know what to write, so many thoughts are going through my head. We just talked on the phone and of course I said something smart as I always do. I guess now I f***d up the vibe. What the hell am I supposed to do. I love him but I can't do this much longer. God willing I will be getting a car soon and be able to go out more. At least to my best friends house, the library, the bookstore anywhere but here. Calgon calgon take me away. Away to a place where there is no pain.
I write poetry but haven't wrote anything in a while. Writers block I guess. I would love to write a book but the hardest part is starting it. Really deciding what people want to hear from me. Do they want to hear my crazy life story, or should I make up characters and make it interesting. Can I write a book all about my poetry. Who knows. I have a story that needs to be told and I will tell it. I just have to figure out where to begin. I wanted to be at a better point in my life when I have a book published. I wanted to tell my story but have a happy ending. That would be a good read. Who wants to hear about a crazy bipolar woman who's been through so much shit and then hasn't made something out of herself. Hasn't triumphed over the f***d up hand she was dealt.
My two oldest children are getting on my last nerve. They act like they are younger than almost 12 and 9 years old. Sometimes I feel as if I have four babies or toddlers instead of 2. They act as if they have a lot of responsibilities, when the truth of the matter is they don't have enough. I had 10 times the work they have around the house. What kills me is my son will go to his grandmothers' house and not disrespect her, or get upset when she asks him to do something but with me a different story. I am tired of telling them the same things over and over. If I don't sit there and guide them through stuff step by step it won't get done.
We took all of the kids to the dentist today. That was a trip. For the most part it went surprisingly well. He came along to help me which I am grateful for. My oldest daughter was her usual extra hyper self. She just goes on and on non stop. It drives me nuts. Like the energizer bunny she keeps going and going. The oldest two fight like crazy. I hate it, every second they are arguing about something. Tommorow is a new day, and yeah they will be in school.
I've been like a hermit in my house. I mean when I have to go out I do. It's just that I feel safer inside of my home. No one can look at me and judge me. Sometimes I feel as if people know about the craziness that goes on in my mind and they are laughing at me. Sometimes I think when two people are talking low or whispering they are talking about me. I feel as if people to see right through me and see all the drama that is going on in this mess I call my life. Like the fact that I am pregnant by a man who has someone else pregnant at the same time. I guess I have some serious issues.
I'm grateful for this blog because it's the only outlet I have to talk about the situation that is going on with him. I mean really who am I going to talk to about this dumb shit I am going through. I feel as if I am stuck in a damn crazy reality show. If I wasn't pregnant I think I would just walk away. Sometimes I want to just disappear. I could never take his kids from him, he is a wonderful father to them. Even though he would take them, I could'nt leave them here I need them just as much as they need me. They are my reason for living. The reason why I get out of bed every morning. Well all of my children are my reason for living.
Until next time....