Saturday, January 8, 2011
Well I'm back again and depressed. He said that he wants to be by himself so that he doesn't have to go through all of this love shit because love hurts. You got that right love does fucking hurt. It hurts hard and it hurts deep. I know that I need to move on and put a close on this chapter of my life. The further and deeper I get into this shit, the more I am going to get hurt. I feel as if somebody has just punched me in my gut and then stepped on me. After all of these years, all of this turmoil, all of this pain and blood sweat and tears and I am now a single mother of five children. I mean he is still going to be in their lives and help me with them but it is not the same. One of my fears of having children was that they would be brought up in a broken home with me but no daddy living there. And here I sit twenty eight years old, with an 11(almost 12 yr. old), and 8 yr. old, a 2 yr. old, a 1 yr. old, and one on the way(God willing), a single parent. No ring on my finger, no man, no boyfriend, just me. This is my new reality and I just need to get used to it. How do you get used to it? I know that in time I will be alright, I will move on and be alright. For now I can't see past my pain. I can't wait for the day where I am able to look back and reflect on this as a lesson learned and smile. There have been many situations in my life where at the time I thought that I could never get over whatever tragedy happened to me. In time I moved on and got better and I healed. You always get over the things that happen in time. I am so looking forward to that time. Until next time.