Okay well today was a good day. My outlook on life is looking up. He came over early in the morning and we spent all day together. I had such a good time. It felt like old times. We haven't argued in a while and that feels so good. It makes my life go alot smoother. I am so tired of being depressed and this miserable person. I like to feel good and look good. I know that it doesn't just have to be about him. I have my own life and four children to take care of. Well five including my son in my stomach. I am trying to think positive everyday.
I want to build myself up more and not need a man to validate me. I mean what if me and him don't be together. I want to still continue to be this positive person. I don't want my world to crumble if me and him are not vibing. This is what I am used to.
I have been reading this womans blog from beginning to (hopefully) end. I mean I still have a ways to go. She is going through a lot of things that I am. Her situation is worse than mine but she is handling it so well. She has such a positive outlook on life. She went through a struggle getting there. She gives me hope and makes me feel that I can get through this. I just have to stay strong and remember the saying "this too shall pass".
I got a prescription for zoloft from my doctor. He filled it for me and tonight is the first time I will take it. I decided that the good benefits from taking the meds out weigh the possible bad, so I am giving it a try. I know that I am bound to have down days, that's a given. I just don't want most of my days to be down. When I do have those down moments I want to have an outlet (or a few outlets) to release that stress. Like writing this blog, reading a good book, doing homework, or something fun. I was scared to take the meds but I know that I need them and they will help me to remain this positive person. Well I am hoping that they will help because sometimes people have to experiment with different meds to get to the right one. Being pregnant, I really can't afford to experiment but after he is born I will. Hopefully this will at least take the edge off.
I am going to start studying for my ged with this school that let's you do it for home. I have been to college but never got my ged. They said that I didn't need it because I scored well above average on the entrance exams. Well I want to go back to college after the baby is born and gets about 6 months. I've wanted my ged for so many years but have been scared to go and take it. I have a big fear of rejection and always had in my head that I would fail the test. I even went as far to take half of the test and never went back the next day to take the rest. That sounds really crazy right? Well these are the negative abusive thoughts that I have embedded in my brain. I guess it is time to retrain myself right.
I have so many goals that I want to accomplish. This time around I am going to take it one baby step at a time. When I pile so much on myself and try to accomplish too many things at once I get overwhelmed. Then I fail at everything I attempt because I give up. So my first step is to study for my ged. The next step is to take and pass the ged. Then I will go to sign up for college. I am looking into two programs. I am interested in radiology. This program is hard to get into so my other option is medical billing and coding. My first option is billing and coding but I need to do some more research on this. I don't want to go through 2+ years of school and then be unable to get a job in that field. This would be a waste of time and money. I have heard that it is hard to get a job in this field. I like this option because you can eventually work from home doing this. I need to find the right person to talk to about this before I make my decision. I have plenty of time for this.
I am very grateful today for my life in it's entirety. Without the flaws or bad things, how would I learn and grow. Well I want to read some of the ladies blog and do some other research. Until next time......
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