Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Better Day

Okay so today I woke up with a new attitude and outlook on life. Instead of consuming my thoughts with him and wondering what he's doing with her I am concentrating on me. This situation is a bit bizzar but as it stands I am still in love with this man. I am going to stay with him even though he is with her. Some people may say this is crazy but I have my reasons. It is my fault (or bipolars fault) that he is over there with her in the first place. He still gives me what I need and I am satisfied all around the board. I know that this situation can not last forever but for now I can't change what has happened and can either stay or walk away. My heart won't let me walk away yet. I have been with this man for five years and he has endured more than any one has. He has seen my bipolar rear it's ugly head time and time again and he is still here. He may have moved out but he is still here. I am going on Thursday for my check-up and am requesting a perscription of zoloft. I think that a low dose should be good enough. I just hope that the baby doesn't have any issues because of it. I can't take the depression any longer. All things considered it is the best thing for me and the baby at this time. When my depression gets bad I am close to not wanting to live anymore. I lash out at him and don't want to push him away any more than I have. He is my rock right now. With no family to depend on, and just one friend he is all I have. If I don't get this illness under control I think that he is going to have to leave me alone and just deal with his kids. That would hurt alot seeing as how he is the only person I have right now. Also I don't like to be crying every single day in front of my children. I think that it is really getting to my oldest two. They are tired of seeing their mother, the one who is supposed to be leader them, crying all day long.
On another note, I have wanted to write a book for a long time. I think that now is the time. I just have to figure out where to start and then I am hoping that it will flow from there. I can't wait to have this baby so I can get on a mood stabilizer and some anxiety medicine. Sometimes these kids drive me crazy like right now. I am ready to pull my hair out but that's kids right? Until next time.

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