Sunday, January 16, 2011

On With The Bull****!

Okay so the other night I spoke on the phone to him. We made up and everything was good. He accidently called me back and didn't know it. So me being the woman I am and wanting to hear what they talk about stayed on the phone. So she's asking him how does he feel about her, and is the plans for them to get married still on. And damn I thought that I was in a bad nightmare because they just starting dating, and we just broke up 4 months ago. He said yes everything is still on. She then started to talk about her being pregnant and how she doesn't know if she is going to keep the baby because she could die if she does. Then it was like someone had ripped my chest open and yanked out my heart. He said that he wouldn't be mad at her if she didn't want to keep it because of health problems, but he would be there either way. This shit happened so fast it was crazy. Then she started to talk about me asking him were me and him having sex and he said no he just comes over my house to visit his kids and sits in the living room which is a damn lie. We are still sleeping together and I told her this. Needless to say there was a big blowout. Why he couldn't tell me all of this bullshit  his self is beyond me. She came to my house so we could meet and we talked for a while. He came over here bugging cause we was talking. I asked him point blank what he wants to do. Does he want to be with this girl and for me to walk away. She was standing right there and instead of answering the question he went around it. I feel like such a damn fool for allowing myself to be pregnant with his third baby. He lies to me and he lies to her. I am just wondering what the hell is the truth. He says that he is not marrying her. He is just telling her what she wants to hear. She is pregnant though which is f*** up because so am I. I don't think that is something he planned but yet and still it happened. That shit hurts. What hurts also is that he is not being straight up with either one of us. He still wants to be with me but he is with her. We both think that he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I feel that he still loves me and doesn't want to mess things up with her and come home and then I go back to the crazy bipolar lady that I am known to be. I ask him over and over again to tell me he wants to be with her and for me to walk away. He says that he doesn't want me to walk away. He loves me and wants to be with me too. What the hell am I doing? He said there is a possibilty that he will come back home. The shit is crazy and confusing. Now what if we are in this situation a few months from now and he decides that he wants to be with her and tells me to beat it? Then that's further and deeper shit that I've gotten myself into. I wish for once I could know what the future held so that I would'nt have to go through extra pain for nothing. If he really is trying to marry this girl then what the hell is he keeping me around for. I hate this shit, sometimes I wish I never met him. But then I would'nt have my two babies and one on the way and they are a blessing. He has helped me out over the years but for it to end up like this. Then it's even harder to move on because he is over here everyday. How do you move on from a person who you have to see everyday. If we totally stop messing with each other then that is something that has to change. It's just going to be so hard because I don't want to disrupt my kids life anymore than it is already and that is what they are used to. I have so much on my plate right now I am so damn lost. I don't know how I am making it. Sometimes I just want to end it all but I could'nt do that to my children. Oh and I've decided to get back on a low dose of medication. Hopefully that will help because without it I am like a walking time bomb reading to blow any minute. Until next time.

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